i made her lunch the night before, and had to keep biting my lip to keep the tears from falling.  making the lunch was more difficult than saying goodbye. 

her school prefers no plastic baggies, and i am happy to comply with making a lot less waste.  i know that they will put out a paper towel for them as a placemat if a napkin is not included in their lunch, so i always send her with a cloth napkin for her placemat.  i like sending her with this one because it was made by my friend, karin, and it feels like an extra hug in her lunch. 

i don’t send her with this much food anymore.  i knew it was overkill that day, but i was nervous in the kitchen–not knowing what to do with that energy, i cut everything i could think of in to small pieces and fit them into my little ikea tupperware.   that day was a ham and cheese sandwich, watermelon, cucumbers, orange bell pepper, carrots and applesauce.  i don’t send juice anymore, either.  just water. 

every time i asked her if she would like a sandwich or pasta, she always asked for a sandwich.  last week i sent mac-n-cheese and it was the first time her tupperware has come back empty.  i’m thinking she’s a hot lunch kinda girl…for now, anyway.

Chloe started preschool today.  She is attending the same preschool I did, thirty plus years ago.  The same director is there, and I have a lot of love for her.  I had an advantage over a lot of parents who send their little ones off to preschool without intimately knowing the staff, but it was still a nerve-wracking morning for me.  It was pure excitement for her.  She was hugging Geoff and I while we were still down the street, and ran towards the entrance as soon as it came into view.  “There’s my school!  I’m so excited!!!” she squealed. 

I said my goodbye after observing for 45 minutes, mostly because I was supposed to return in an hour and fifteen minutes to join her for lunch–we’re making this a gradual transition, at the teacher’s urging.  She was fine, and said, “I’m going to cut paper, byeee.”  And at that, I bit my lip, grabbed my purse and walked away.  I didn’t look back.  My heart ached as I walked down the street to my car, but there were no tears.  She had amazed me with her poise and stick-to-itiveness in the half hour I had watched her.  I left thinking ‘she is going to be okay.” My hour went by quickly, fueled by nervous energy I poured myself a second cup of coffee, picked up the house, and vacuumed every room. 

When i returned, I saw her through the window and she seemed fine, although she was inside while everyone else in her class was outside–much the same as the morning.  But her teacher  proceeded to tell me she got rather hysterical, and she was going to call me to come back, but a couple other things were going on, and the next thing she knew Chloe was fine.  She was “bumped by a bicycle” Marian’s words, and couldn’t be consoled for a while.  That made total sense to me, I have always been the one to console her, and well, the absence of one’s mom becomes terribly real when one gets hurt.  So her upset makes sense to me.  When I asked her about it, she said, “I missed my Mommy.”  Ugh.  I cannot tell you how vividly I remember that feeling. 

We stayed for lunch.  We brought home her beautiful painting.  I was exhausted and took a nap when we got home, she was wide awake.  I still feel really worn out.  Preschool is hard.   We do it again Thursday.